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#601 chrysalis

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Posted 06 April 2021 - 03:21 AM

What do you call a highly cited epidemiology researcher with a social media presence?

 

An influenzer.



#602 chrysalis

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Posted 06 April 2021 - 03:22 AM

A Canadian research team has made history by freezing mice to temperatures of absolute zero.

 

Animal rights groups are outraged by the cruel tests performed on the animals.

 

But they’ll be 0K.


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#603 Mister T

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Posted 06 April 2021 - 05:54 AM

What do you call someone too stupid to justify the air he breathes?

An OxyMoron


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#604 chrysalis

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Posted 07 April 2021 - 03:10 AM

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#605 chrysalis

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Posted 07 April 2021 - 03:13 AM

Researchers for the Australian Roads Department found over 200 dead crows on the Great Northern Highway recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

 

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.

 

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts.

 

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

 

By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

 

They hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

 

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause:

 

When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

 

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck" ...


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#606 chrysalis

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Posted 07 April 2021 - 03:13 AM

Vera Lynn used to work at an Arctic research station. She wrote a protest song about the lack of variety in the staff canteen.

 

Whale meat again?



#607 chrysalis

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Posted 07 April 2021 - 03:14 AM

A team of researchers have figured out how to reduce the rate of new mental disorder cases by 100%!

 

“Stop diagnosing them.”



#608 Mister T

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Posted 07 April 2021 - 06:53 AM

Researchers for the Australian Roads Department found over 200 dead crows on the Great Northern Highway recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

 

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.

 

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts.

 

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

 

By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

 

They hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

 

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause:

 

When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

 

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck" ...

They did a similar study in New England


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#609 chrysalis

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Posted 08 April 2021 - 03:58 AM

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#610 chrysalis

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Posted 08 April 2021 - 04:01 AM

By nature, Jason was very intelligent but a bit shy. One day he went into a bar, and he saw a stunningly attractive woman sitting alone at a table drinking a white-wine spritzer.

 

Jason couldn’t take his eyes off this lady, and eventually, he gathered up the courage to walk across and speak to her.

 

“Hello, I’m Jason. Would you mind if I sat with you and chatted for a while?” asked Jason quietly but politely.

 

The woman responded by yelling at the top of her voice, “No! I will not sleep with you tonight!”

 

Jason blushed, beetroot red with embarrassment, and everyone in the bar looked over to see what was going on.

 

So he walked back over to the counter where he’d been sitting, reflecting on how he might have handled the situation and intending to leave the bar as soon as he'd finished his drink.

 

However, a couple of minutes later, the attractive woman walked over to him and apologized.

 

“I’m really sorry,” she said. “I’m actually a Ph.D. student at Harvard and I’m researching how people respond in embarrassing situations.”

 

To which Jason responded, yelling loudly at the top of his voice, “What do you mean you charge three hundred dollars minimum?!”


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#611 chrysalis

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Posted 08 April 2021 - 04:02 AM

I was doing some scientific research on the House of Hapsburgs and I have now discovered

 

The Theory of General Relativity.



#612 chrysalis

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Posted 08 April 2021 - 04:03 AM

My uncle is a marine biologist who grew up in Kansas. He moved to Los Angeles for grad school and never left. His first real job was as a lab tech at USC, where he spent several years before stumbling into a part-time instructor job, which he finally parlayed into a tenured faculty position. The work wasn’t the most exciting, but he got to share his knowledge and passion with young minds. He would tell anyone willing to listen how the palm trees lining the boulevard along his commute signaled to him that he had finally “made it.”

 

Still, his true longing was to work in the field, and one day he got the opportunity to participate in a NOAA-sponsored deep-sea expedition to study marine life, and he was absolutely hooked. Academia held no appeal for him after that. Not even the security of tenure could silence the call of the sea. In an instant, he traded L.A.’s palm-lined boulevards for the first job he could find that would let him return to the ocean for the hands-on experience he craved.

 

The last I heard, he was heading out for a 6-month expedition aboard a traveling research vessel headed for the Caribbean. It has been amazing to witness his journey.

 

The last time I saw him was at the Santa Monica Pier for lunch. He stood in front of me on the beach, still dripping from a morning of scuba diving. I asked if he had any wisdom to share. He leaned in, gave me a hug, and whispered:

 

“Keep your fronds close, but your anemones closer.”



#613 chrysalis

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Posted 09 April 2021 - 04:41 AM

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#614 chrysalis

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Posted 09 April 2021 - 04:45 AM

A rather crooked friend of mine said that he was gonna trick some nuclear researchers.

 

I was a little worried. I asked if it was a conCERN.



#615 chrysalis

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Posted 09 April 2021 - 04:46 AM

Sure, we can do something about climate change now, but if we find out in 50 years that the researchers made a mistake and that climate change doesn't exist...

 

We would have improved air quality in all major cities, gotten rid of noisy and smelly cars, cleaned up toxic rivers, and destroyed dictatorships funded on money from oil for no reason.



#616 chrysalis

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Posted 09 April 2021 - 04:47 AM

A proctologist gets sick of his medical career and decides it's time for a change. He does a bit of research and settles on trying his hand at being a mechanic. He attends mechanic school diligently and pays attention in the hopes of being the best mechanic in town.

 

After taking his final exam, he notices a mistake with the grade on the test and asks the teacher.

 

"Sir, you have me 150% out of a possible 100% on the practical exam. This must be a mistake!"

 

The teacher replies, "It's no mistake. 50% of the grade is for perfect disassembly of the engine. 50% is for perfect reassembly of the engine. I gave you another 50% on top because you did it all through the exhaust pipe!"



#617 chrysalis

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Posted 10 April 2021 - 03:19 AM

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#618 chrysalis

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Posted 10 April 2021 - 03:22 AM

Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog.

 

So now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers.



#619 chrysalis

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Posted 10 April 2021 - 03:25 AM

Upon reexamination, groundbreaking research suggests a new theory of dinosaur extinction

 

Traffic accidents. Amongst the thousands of dinosaurs unearthed, not one has been found wearing a seat belt.



#620 chrysalis

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Posted 10 April 2021 - 03:26 AM

NASA should hire birds for time travel researches.

 

They have been studying wormholes for thousands if not millions of years before human do.



#621 chrysalis

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Posted 11 April 2021 - 04:08 AM

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#622 chrysalis

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Posted 11 April 2021 - 04:09 AM

In the early 1970s, researchers discovered that a certain enzyme in a specific breed of seagull chicks granted dolphins that ate them a dramatically increased lifespan…

 

Hoping that this could be made viable for humans, they started extensive testing.

 

Unfortunately, the breed of gulls wasn't native to the area around their laboratory.

 

They sent a research assistant up the coast to gather additional specimens.

 

On his way back with a truckload of the tiny birds, he accidentally struck a cougar in the road.

 

Unfortunately for him, it was (at the time) the state animal and harming one was a felony.

 

The poor guy was charged with transporting young gulls across a state lion for immortal porpoises.



#623 chrysalis

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Posted 11 April 2021 - 04:10 AM

Why is reading research on electromagnetic radiation so easy?

 

Because it’s a pretty light subject.



#624 chrysalis

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Posted 11 April 2021 - 04:10 AM

Researchers have recently started using lawyers instead of rats in their lab experiments.

 

You don’t get so attached to them, and there are some things a rat just won’t do.


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#625 chrysalis

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Posted 12 April 2021 - 02:53 AM

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