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#626 chrysalis

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Posted 12 April 2021 - 03:03 AM

I know a guy who trained to be a vet and claims to have done extensive research on bovine feces.

 

But I reckon that’s bull pucky.



#627 chrysalis

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Posted 12 April 2021 - 03:07 AM

After extensive research I've come to the conclusion that 10 is smaller than 5!

 

I finally understand factorials!



#628 chrysalis

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Posted 12 April 2021 - 03:11 AM

After years of research and exploration, an Archaeologist discovered an ancient book. The book was said to answer any question asked of it.

 

Being a professional, the archaeologist took the book back to his prestigious university, which was home to several leaders of certain fields. To research the book's power in a controlled manner, the archaeologist rounds up three of the university's brightest minds.

 

A researcher of Astrophysics, who had led the field for many years and had produced many papers theorizing cosmic events was first. The archaeologist told him to ask the book one question, and to document whether the response was accurate.

 

The astrophysicist thought for a moment and asked the book "What was existence like before the Big Bang?"

 

The archaeologist opened the book and showed the physicist, and he instantly went insane and began scrawling equations on the nearest pad of paper, mumbling distressed words to himself.

 

Shocked and uneasy, but willing to see his research through, the archaeologist moved on to the next researcher, a leading professor of Mathematics. She had produced many papers and interpretations on numbers themselves, and the human interpretations behind ever-growing sequences. The archaeologist asked the mathematician to ask the book a question.

 

The mathematician barely thought for a second. "How can a human being best visualize infinity?"

 

The archaeologist once again opened the book and showed it to the mathematician. Her eyes widened in shock and confusion and she, too, went insane immediately. She ran out of the room yelling, back to her notes to make sense of what she'd seen.

 

Shaken but persistent, the archaeologist turned to the final volunteer. He was one of the world's most highly regarded philosophers, and had spent his whole life researching different views and interpretations of a variety of philosophical debates.

 

The philosopher knew the process by now, and confidently asked, "What is the meaning of life?"

 

The archaeologist opened the book and showed the philosopher. Confused at first, the philosopher let out a sigh.

 

"My dear boy, I'm afraid to say that your book doesn't work. The pages are blank."


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#629 chrysalis

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Posted 13 April 2021 - 04:01 AM

atoms.jpg



#630 chrysalis

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Posted 13 April 2021 - 04:04 AM

I found Einstein's original research notes about anti-gravity.

 

I just couldn't put them down.



#631 chrysalis

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Posted 13 April 2021 - 04:04 AM

A researcher gave birth to twin girls.

 

She named one Constance and keeps changing the name of the other one.



#632 chrysalis

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Posted 13 April 2021 - 04:05 AM

A mathematician gave birth to twin girls.

 

She named one Constance and the other Variables.



#633 chrysalis

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Posted 13 April 2021 - 04:05 AM

Research has shown that smoking marijuana causes short term memory loss.

 

Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking marijuana causes short term memory loss.


Edited by chrysalis, 13 April 2021 - 04:05 AM.


#634 Mister T

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Posted 13 April 2021 - 05:24 AM

The fiasco of Jurassic park could have been avoided if they had used Macs.


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#635 chrysalis

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Posted 14 April 2021 - 03:01 AM

theory reality.jpg



#636 chrysalis

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Posted 14 April 2021 - 03:02 AM

So my brother works at a research facility. His employer only stocks the bathrooms with single ply toilet paper.

 

They say it leads to the most breakthroughs.



#637 chrysalis

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Posted 14 April 2021 - 03:04 AM

Today I made an in depth presentation about ground breaking research on bad effects of the two legged posture in humans

 

It was well received. They even gave me a standing ovation.



#638 chrysalis

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Posted 14 April 2021 - 03:05 AM

45,000 cases of head lice have been reported in the last 24 hours across the Midwest.

 

Researchers are scratching their heads over that one.



#639 Mister T

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Posted 14 April 2021 - 07:02 AM

More accurate reality: Congratulations on your discovery! But since you did it on company time, we will get the patent and make a fortune and you will get a 1%bonus this year, and easy on the champagne, you need to get back to work.


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#640 chrysalis

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Posted 15 April 2021 - 02:57 AM

force.JPG



#641 chrysalis

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Posted 15 April 2021 - 02:59 AM

Research scientists have grown human vocal cords in a Petri dish.

 

The results speak for themselves..



#642 chrysalis

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Posted 15 April 2021 - 03:07 AM

Finally revealed: the leading cause of death for rats and mice:

 

Research scientists.



#643 chrysalis

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Posted 15 April 2021 - 03:09 AM

Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, Werner Heisenberg, Georg Ohm, Galileo Galilei, Max Planck, and Louis de Broglie were carpooling to work when they got pulled over for speeding.

 

However, when the police officer tried to ask them how fast they were going, he couldn't get a straight answer, and the group was so rowdy that they had to be brought in for questioning.

 

So all 7 of them are taken to the police station, and individually questioned. First, they were asked simply "Do you know how fast you were going?"

 

Heisenberg, the driver, said "It was definitely somewhere between 0 and 180 miles per hour. I can tell you exactly where we were though."

 

Newton says "We were going 92 miles per hour when we were pulled over - and here's the differential equation that proves it."

 

Einstein says "I'm relatively sure we were stationary - the earth beneath us was moving at 92 miles per hour."

 

Galileo says "We were going 67,000 miles per hour around the sun."

 

Broglie says "Um... Uh. Wavelength?"

 

Planck says "I believe we were moving at around ten duodecillion quanta per hour, give or take."

 

And finally Ohm, no matter how many times he was asked, screamed "I won't go! I won't! You'll never take me alive!"



#644 chrysalis

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Posted 16 April 2021 - 03:48 AM

prove you're human.JPG



#645 chrysalis

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Posted 16 April 2021 - 03:50 AM

Werner Heisenberg just unveiled a new car...

 

It comes with a GPS or a speedometer, but not both.



#646 chrysalis

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Posted 16 April 2021 - 03:51 AM

I asked my bookshop if they had a book on Werner Heisenberg.

 

The shop assistant said "In principle we do, but I'm uncertain".



#647 chrysalis

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Posted 16 April 2021 - 03:51 AM

A police officer pulled over Werner Heisenberg.

 

The officer said “I clocked you going 75.”

 

Heisenberg replied “Great, now I’m lost!”



#648 Mister T

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Posted 16 April 2021 - 05:48 AM

My cat died so I put him in a box with a radio-active isotope.

now I might still have a cat.



#649 chrysalis

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Posted 16 April 2021 - 07:47 AM

I put a Schrodinger's cat set up into a box rigged similarly but to vaporize the contained box and its contents when a radioactive decay occurs.

 

Now I'm not even sure I have a box ... and the cat is simultaneously vaporized while dead, vaporized while alive, unvaporized but dead, or unvaporized but alive. 

 

And let's not even think about suffocation...



#650 chrysalis

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Posted 17 April 2021 - 03:45 AM

365.jpg




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